"I'll never die as long as I live within your memory, so shed no tears and leave a rose in Rememberance of me. "

This section is dedicated in loving memory of our

grandmother Carolyn Regan.

October 14, 1926 - September 17, 2003

She had a heart of gold.

She spent so much money on other kids

whom she adopted as grandchildren.

She is truly missed by all of us.

Grandma loved porcelain dolls.

She had hundreds of them.

She also loved to collect angels like I do.

She leaves behind one son, three daughters.

Grandchildren

Susana M. ReganCloutier

(Left )Linda Anne Regan ^i^

Margarita Maria her daughter

(Right) Susana Maria and my daughter Ashley Marie

Susana and Margarita

My daughter Mina Tonia Mykela Cloutier

(Christian JamesMatthew and Gabriel JamesMichael sporting their Irish pride)

I wish there was more I could tell you about my grandma. But, all I know is she loved me and was great!

That is good enough for me! Oh, and she was a truly proud Irish woman

Erin go Bragh Grandma.

I love you!

The last time I saw my grandma was in May 2001.

I was supposed to see Linda and thought I would go to grandma instead. I assumed that since grandma was sick, I would still have time to see Linda. I assumed incorrectly.

Grandma had a trach in her throat. She was in a chair paralyzed. She could no longer talk to me. It broke my heart to see her in a nursing home. Thus, I will never put my mom's mommy in a nursing home.

I guess it comes with the line of work.

Being a CNA you get used to seeing other people sick.

You ARE NEVER PREPARED FOR YOUR OWN FAMILY TO BE SICK

.

So, I went on my last day and told her I would see her again soon.

 I was intending on going back to New York to see her.

She looked at a pic on the wall of my baby sister Linda.

 Then looked back at me.

She shook her head no.

 I truly thought grandma lost it that day.

 I was wrong again.

I chose not to see my sister.

I called Linda and told her I was tired from the trip to New York and would see her in July for her birthday.

Well, that never happened. Linda passed away on Memorial day about 2 weeks later in a tragic accident.

So, I don't know if my grandma just had intuition or what.

 But, I believe she wasn't crazy after all.

I miss her so much. I miss Linda terribly.

To this day, my one regret is not seeing my sister.

But, who would have honestly, thought it would be Linda first?

At any rate, she was right, I never did get back to see her.

It was hard for me once Linda died.

I was a whole different person.

I couldn't handle seeing the sickness. I felt my grandma suffering.

She had a tube in her throat for goodness sake.

She was in a nursing home. And  I am against those. But, I wasn't in the position to care for her either. I had no say.

Then on my son's first birthday September 17, 2003, I got a call from New York. Grandma was in the hospital and they were trying to save her. I don't know if it was a heart attack or what to be honest. I never really asked.

All I knew was that she needed her permission to let go.

That is always true about the deaths in our family.

Well, of course no one wanted her to go.

Everyone wanted to like keep her here forever.

I knew better. I told my father that he was to get a phone to her. I wanted to say my goodbyes. I knew what she needed. " I told her Grandma I love you. I will miss you. I know you need your peace. You have suffered way too long.

And I am giving you the peace you need.

I am strong enough to take the pain.

I am strong enough for all of them.

I told her I loved her soo much. I will miss all our midnight phone calls.

I then told my father" Say your goodbyes, tell her it's ok. If you don't , I will never talk to you again, She needs her peace."

Well, grandma passed  a little bit later.

I didn't go to the funeral.

I couldn't afford it.

And well, my mom never talked nice about grandma.

I never even told mom grandma passed away.

I prayed for her and I cried of course.

But, every year, I remember that on my son's first birthday she got her peace.

She fulfilled a long life of helping other people.

I knew that they could move on one day without her.

 She needed to be first for once.

So, we celebrate Life on my Gabi's birthday every year.

AS, I know she would have wanted it that way.

She wouldn't want him to have a sad day over her.

 But, we never forget her either.

I light a canlde every year.

 I pray for all our angels everyday.

I also pray that one day, all our family will remember what she wanted.

She loved ALL OF US UNCONDITIONALLY.

NO MATTER WHAT OUR FAULTS, SHE WAS OUR GRANDMA/MOMMY AND LOVED ALL OF US.

SHE WOULD NEVER WANT ALL THE DRAMA AND FIGHTING!